June 26 2008 / by Jason
Category: Culture Year: General Rating: 5 Hot New
By Jason M. Vaughn
(NOTE: Please consult my prior “predictions” to get caught up on
the Asimo thread.)
The Rolling Stones’ twelfth “farewell” tour, the Seriously;
We’re Not Kidding This Time tour, will actually turn out to be
their second to last tour. 
A year after being shot by that Mexico-border patrolman, Asimo
will be secretly rebuilt in a government bunker somewhere in the
Southwestern United States. He will quickly escape, however, and
those he leaves in his wake will come to known him by three names:
Asimo the Vengeful; Dark Asimo; and Asimo, the Humanoid Who Won’t
Shake Your Hand.
The Super Nanny, getting on in years, will be thrown through a
concrete wall by one of those new synthetic toddlers.
“Frak” will be adopted into the mainstream English lexicon, and
used with an almost reckless abandon until it’s finally labeled a
bad word.
After the release of his twenty-third album, Trapped in
Another Closet—No, Scratch That; It’s the Same Damn Closet, R.
Kelly will receive some unfavorable attention when he goes into a
sex-bot shop, orders the youngest Barely-Legal model they’ve got
and says, “How much to make it five years younger?”
Suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, after months of raping and
pillaging and not shaking hands with people, Dark Asimo will stop
into an Arizona church and give his confession. The priest will
faint. (cont.)
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May 19 2008 / by Jason
Category: Information Year: Beyond Rating: 6 Hot
By Jason M. Vaughn
The world was rocked this morning by the death of America’s
first “immortal,” Madeline Marie Samms, who had only three months
ago reached her 175th birthday. At around 6:45 a.m., a piano was
accidentally dropped on her head as she stepped out of her
first-floor Wyandotte County apartment on her way to the market.
The irony is that she had once credited this daily walk as the
biggest reason for 
her longevity. It was even more important, she had felt, than
her nightly pink-lemonade-flavored telomerase cocktail, her weekly
stem-cell injections, and her numerous casual-sex encounters.
“People can’t go a measly few blocks to get their organics?”
she’d once wondered, incredulously shaking her head. “They gotta
have ‘em delivered by one of those good-for-nothin’
robots? What’s this world comin’ to? That’s what I wanna
know. ‘Cause them robots are kinda scary, if you ask me. I mean,
why do their eyes have to be red like that? Why does one
of their hands always have to be a claw hand? Why on earth
do they gotta have a laser saw hangin’ off their shoulder
at all times? For God sakes,” she continued, “what do they need
teeth for? And just why do those teeth have to be all
pointy, like shark teeth? You know, one of them things
tried to help me across the street one time. I had to beat him off
with my purse. Thought I was bein’ attacked.” (cont.)
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May 17 2008 / by Jason
Category: Social Issues Year: General Rating: 9 Hot
By Jason M. Vaughn
Not only will SMARTclothing alert you to cancer cells and
potentially dangerous blood clots; it will also—-with complete
confidence—-be able to tell you: “Yes, these jeans do make
you look fat.” 
Sooner than you think, at the Wendy’s drive-thru, you won’t be
able to blame foreigners for speaking in garbled English. No, you
will have only Consuelo to blame: Consuelo 3000, the
legless order-taking animatron.
Polar bears will go extinct, and then there will be an extremely
cute Seal Uprising from which Mankind may not recover.
Robot soldiers will one day fight our wars for us (completely),
and perhaps, in moments when action is a bit slow on the
battlefield, they’ll also take some time off to run diagnostics, or
maybe even do “The Robot.”
After one romantic comedy too many, Ashton Kutcher will be
banished to Greenland.
During one of Asimo’s tours of the Midwestern United States, a
tragedy will ensue when, as a joke, someone places a knife in his
“throwing” hand.
A young Hollywood starlet will come out with a book called
The Red Licorice Diet. Two weeks later, after her
mysterious death, the coroner’s report will say, simply: “She ate
way too much licorice.” (cont.)
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May 16 2008 / by Jason
Category: Social Issues Year: 2008 Month: May Rating: 8 Hot
By Jason M. Vaughn
Will ABC’s “Lost” conclude in a way
that leaves me fulfilled? Or will I still not understand what that
smoke monster thingy is?
If Victoria’s Secret ever comes out with an invisible bra, could
anyone promise me that this bra will also be edible and packed with
synthetic anti-oxidants called “Victorias”?
Will Michael Jackson’s nose outlive him, and then, after a dip
in some supercharged stem-cell bath, possibly regenerate a
brand-new Michael, or at least come back on stormy nights to haunt
Janet?
Will overpopulation drive certain less-than-stable individuals
to the realization that humans would make an excellent food source?
(cont.)
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May 17 2008 / by Jason
Category: Technology Year: Beyond Rating: 15 Hot
By Jason M. Vaughn
Here in glorious 2059, things are a bit different than they were
back in, say, 2008. How so? Well, for one thing, a Starbucks coffee
might have run you three dollars, back then, but now you can be
sitting at home and just think of a Starbucks coffee, and
your nanounit will “build” it for you and then automatically charge
thirty dollars to your account! 
Back in the neo “Dark Ages” of old 2008, you could only
dream of having sex with androids, or watch actors
pretending to have sex with androids in movies; heck, even just
five years ago, sex with androids was still mostly frowned upon,
and more painful, really, than pleasurable. But now, in 2059,
everybody’s having sex with androids (even other
androids!), and at worst it only causes a mild pinching…and
degrades the android.
In case you’re wondering, we don’t use the word cool
anymore (“cool” is so 2055). We use awesome now
in most situations where cool would’ve been applied, except when
we’re talking about the temperature: then we say “chilly” or “cold”
or, in certain eco-important situations, “under-warm.” Some
outsiders have recently started using awesome to describe
chilly weather (“It’s awesome out,” they’ll say, or “Man, I wish it
was just a little less awesome today,” or “Yesterday, it was so
awesome I had to wear a jacket!”), but these people are hardly ever
taken seriously, and, in some cases, they’ve even been banned from
having their own talk shows.
Yep, 2059 is pretty fascinating, if you ask me. Oprah is still
alive, and editing her magazine from the confines of a gelatin
cocoon she shares with Dr. Oz and gal-pal, Gayle King. Madonna, and
The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince,
have just collaborated on a new album entitled Still Mostly
Human (Madonna’s pseudo-butt looks great!). (cont.)
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