May 17 2008 / by Jason
Category: Social Issues Year: General Rating: 9 Hot
By Jason M. Vaughn
Not only will SMARTclothing alert you to cancer cells and
potentially dangerous blood clots; it will also—-with complete
confidence—-be able to tell you: “Yes, these jeans do make
you look fat.” 
Sooner than you think, at the Wendy’s drive-thru, you won’t be
able to blame foreigners for speaking in garbled English. No, you
will have only Consuelo to blame: Consuelo 3000, the
legless order-taking animatron.
Polar bears will go extinct, and then there will be an extremely
cute Seal Uprising from which Mankind may not recover.
Robot soldiers will one day fight our wars for us (completely),
and perhaps, in moments when action is a bit slow on the
battlefield, they’ll also take some time off to run diagnostics, or
maybe even do “The Robot.”
After one romantic comedy too many, Ashton Kutcher will be
banished to Greenland.
During one of Asimo’s tours of the Midwestern United States, a
tragedy will ensue when, as a joke, someone places a knife in his
“throwing” hand.
A young Hollywood starlet will come out with a book called
The Red Licorice Diet. Two weeks later, after her
mysterious death, the coroner’s report will say, simply: “She ate
way too much licorice.” (cont.)
To the shock of the scientific community, Asimo will be charged
with murder.
When the science is ready, Orville Redenbacher, who had secretly
been cryopreserved in an Alcor container, will be reanimated. Those
who knew him before his preservation will remark that he seems
“lighter and fluffier” than ever.
In court, when the prosecutor states that Asimo knew exactly
what he was doing when he threw that knife, Asimo will jog over to
him and try to shake his hand. When the prosecutor refuses to shake
it, Asimo will proceed to jog around in a perfect circle. Out of
desperation, one of the jurors will stand up and shout, “I object!”
No one will notice that Asimo has quietly slipped out of the
courtroom.
Mattel will come out with a Life-Sized Barbie, but she (and her
numerous battery-powered accessories) will not be for kids.
After weeks of high adventure and countless power-ups, Asimo
will finally arrive at the Mexico border with the law close on his
tail. He will be shot in the head for trying to shake a border
patrolman’s hand, and all the humanoid robots of the world will
mourn (sort of).
An annoying trend will surface, where once-respected scientists
begin to hijack space elevators for nothing more than joyrides.
The border patrolman who shot Asimo will not be let off so easy
by a jury of robots, and the scientific community will call the
decision “another one for our side.”
After successfully animating a brown oxford, a fairly mad
scientist will have catalyzed not a “short happy life” but a brief
reign of terror.
A freak sofa-bouncing accident will render Tom Cruise paralyzed
from the ankles down. In a tearful interview, he will renounce
Scientology, and then Oprah will buy him—-and everyone in the
audience—-a brand-new sofa.
Comment Thread ()
